life is bizarre

in a couple hours i will be turning 22. i thought it fitting to reflect on this past year. when i turned 21 i was a fiancee, a nanny, and a student. at this time last year i was at michelles house waiting till midnight so we could go get me my free midnight shot at highlands. i was living in what i affectionately refer to as the ammityville whore house. i got my dear dog about a month later and then quickly moved out to a cute townhouse with my best friend. we ended up being friends bc we fueled the bad things in one another. we were both alcoholics with eating disorders and having the other one made us feel ok.

it didnt take long for me to realize how toxic my life had become. i was only living to be a housewife. i was only doing what had to be done to get by. my social life was my sorority. i didnt want that for myself anymore. i wanted to care deeply about something other then the way i looked or my fiance. i started planting trees. i started running by the river. i started reading again. i started coming home for more then money. i started playing cello again. and i woke up. i broke off my engagement in october. we tried to make it work for a little but it was too much. i didnt want what he wanted for me anymore.

then i went crazy. i remember one night being so ungodly sad and hysterical that i was clawing at my legs. just over and over. i have no idea why. but i remember clawing. i started drinking profusely again. i had just turned my life upside down and i didnt think i was strong enough to rebuild it. i knew i wanted something but i didnt know what. my anxiety was horrible. my depression was worse. i started to throw myself into environmentalism. some part of me wanted to save the physical world since i had burned down the one inside me. around november i started applying to different internships, schools and jobs. i didnt know what i wanted except for getting the fuck away from everything he touched and all my memories.

in december i got a new car. i also started weighing my options. i began breaking my family into the idea of me leaving. it took some time. i as well as any of my sisters have never lived far from home. and they also were not stoked about the options i had for getting away. in january i had my interview with peta. i had never been around so many positive souls. it just felt right. when my now boss called me to offer me the job i said yes. my mom made me promise that i would call her when they offered it to me and so i did. and she was very happy for me. i moved to virginia at the end of january.

moving was horrible for me. i found myself sitting in the shower at the communal housing i was in just so i could cry with nobody listening. i called him a lot. i needed him so much bc he knew me the best out of anybody. i questioned myself a lot too. in february i moved into a place on the beach. my new roomate was very dramatic. i found her on craigslist. i got to bring my dog and cat here. i was starting to feel ok.

the time has flown since i've been here. my days are whirlwinds and the months have flown by. i'm so thankful for what i have started to build here. i dont think i could of chosen a better place to remind myself who i am again. my coworkers and friends are all beautiful. ive never thought i could feel so fulfilled. i know now that i can give of myself happily since a singular person will never be the most important thing to me. my life is for speaking up for those without voices. those with no rights. i'm for them. and one day i'll look over and a path will be parallel to mine and the person walking on it will be the one for me. somebody to share life with, not take over. i wouldnt trade the experience i had with my fiance for anything bc it has shown me what it is i want out of life and what i dont.

so now it's an hour and a half till i turn 22. i'm sitting in my new apartment, with no roomates. i'm so happy to have my very own place. theres no furniture yet, but i'm working on it. and i can go to the bathroom with the door open. i dont know what i want out of this next year other than to keep up the good fight. i think i'm also still learning how to breathe again. every now and then it feels like ive got it..but then something takes it away again. which isnt always a bad thing, but i dont get it back very quickly. a continuous rhythm is something to be achieved.

ps- i figured a picture of me drinking coffee would be fitting for a blog about reflection.